I think a lot, but I don't say much. -Anne Frank

First, this is going to be a quite "emo" post. go ahead if u wanna read. i'm just feeling down on this cny eve and need a place to record down my feelings.

So as usual, my family and all of those from my mother's side went to gran's hse for reunion dinner. and when i was having dinner, an aunt talked to me.. all bout polytechnic, what to expect, what i should know and stuff. i never expect she would link things from one end to another, talk non-stop, compare my bro and i... and i know she meant well, but when she asked if there is a particular university i wanna go after my 3 year course in poly and which one, i totally couldn't answer. i didnt expect that question coming my way and didn't know what to say. i even misheard something she said like "poly U" and i was like "poly U?" and she thought i think there is "poly U"... ok put that aside, the conversation with my aunt started off totally fine. but as it went deeper i felt a really hopeless sense of pressure and i was so scared that she would ask me things more than i can answer. It's probably me who can't take the stress and definitely me who is not open-minded enough and not knowledgable enough, but why throw me questions so straight into my face without giving me a second to think?

In the bathroom i gave so much thoughts about the conversation my aunt and i had. I remember i almost teared during the talking. Thinking, i felt really useless not being able to handle things like this well. I felt "smashed" that i am so easily defeated by straightforward and harsh (not that harsh la) words which probably sound very managable to others. I felt that i am too weak.

And I thought... There's only 2 ways. Either i avoid them or build myself up to tackle these situations. Avoiding seems pretty easy and it's the fastest way of course. Yet it's cowardly and sad. But if i want to prepare myself, it means more exposure to such situations. And i really need a lot of courage. And it also means pushing myself off the edge on my own and go ahead alone. Feel like the more "avoiding" kind......... But i'm already 17 and am going to face a different kind of school life which is going to bring me to all kinds of people and places. I can't back down now right?

Courage, strength and perseverance come from God. But if i'm not going to step out of my comfort circle, how can He help?